


An Informed Decision

by you_guys_are_losers



Series: Silken (A Collection of Spideychelle Headcanons) [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: F/M, FFH, PeterMJ - Freeform, Spider-Man: Far From Home (Movie), Spideychelle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 08:54:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19826752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/you_guys_are_losers/pseuds/you_guys_are_losers
Summary: MJ isn’t the type of person to lead herself on, so she is able to recognize her limits and be realistic in the face of an unrequited, confusing crush. But not every opportunity is worth taking, and it’s up to MJ to allow her experience to help her make a choice about what she wants.





	An Informed Decision

  * MJ’s crush on Peter Parker has been around for so long that, when something finally changes, she has no idea how to proceed
  * She isn’t sure exactly when it starts, but there’s definitely a change: he talks to her more, for one thing, and she’s never seen Peter this interested in decathlon
  * Sometimes, she’ll even walk up to Peter and Ned, and they’ll stop talking suddenly in a very suspicious way
  * But the really big thing that MJ notices is that sometimes, when she turns instinctively to glance at Peter, she’ll find him already looking at her
  * MJ knows that someone else in her shoes would feel something positive: excitement, maybe, or at least satisfaction that she’s not the only one being observant
  * But the problem is that MJ can’t let herself feel those things
  * Her mind is much too loud and confused for that
  * For one, MJ isn’t sure that the reason he’s watching her is that he feels the same
  * Maybe he just figured out that she has a crush on him, and now he feels bad for her, and basically this whole thing is Peter Parker being a literal puppy and pitying her
  * That thought hurts, but MJ reminds herself that it’s much more likely than the alternative
  * But however much panic the thought induces, it’s a lot better than the thoughts she gets whenever she considers that he might like her back 
  * Because if he does? 
  * MJ is even more vulnerable than she ever has been before, and she is facing the terrifying thought of having to actually let someone in 
  * In the wake of the Blip, the mind game of it all is enough to drive MJ a little bit crazy 
  * There’s already a ton to think about: the Europe trip coming up that she somehow has to pay for, the fact that she returned to a family who thought they were done with children, and now that she’s back there’s nothing there for her, the endless craziness of facing college and the future after five years of being dead and having to enter a completely different pool of competition
  * And now, on top of all of that, she has to think about Peter Parker and his confusing mixed signals
  * She manages for a little while, at least-- there’s the weeks leading up to the trip, and through these, the stupid grin she sees so often on Peter’s face is enough to counterbalance the chaos of it all 
  * But as they get ready to board the plane, it all seems to be a little bit much
  * First, there’s Brad, and the fact that they’re both on the trip together makes him a little bit bolder
  * She’s caught him looking at her once or twice before, so it’s nothing too shocking, but all the help with her luggage and the casual jokes and the quick glances are an unexpected development, and one that she’s not quite sure how to deal with 
  * And then there’s the fact that, as soon as they get on the plane, Peter has to be all freaking _confusing_ again 
  * She catches him staring as she puts her things away, which she guesses isn’t _that_ different from being home
  * But then, after MJ is all situated and ready to spend the plane ride with the several true-crime novels she has in her carry-on, there’s a stir in the seats where Ned and Peter are, and in the space of a few minutes Peter’s developed a “perfume allergy” 
  * MJ has no idea where that one is coming from, especially because she had specifically heard Peter and Ned having conversations about what perfumes Liz wore during Peter’s thing for her sophomore year
  * Is it a ploy by Ned to get next to Betty, maybe? 
  * MJ isn’t sure, but what she does know is that it only adds to her confusion, and for a moment she gets her hopes up and thinks that maybe it has to do with her
  * The reality of it all, though, is that it only moves Peter further away, and suddenly MJ is sitting next to Brad
  * “Hi,” he greets her, and MJ looks him up and down for a moment
  * “Um, hey,” she replies after a second, sparing him a small smile
  * For a moment, the two of them lapse into an awkward silence, and then he offers her a little shrug
  * “So, it’s gonna be a long flight, huh?” he muses, glancing down at his watch and then back at her
  * “Yeah,” she confirms, eyes not leaving his face, “I mean, we are going across an ocean.” 
  * “I’ve never been the biggest fan of planes,” Brad admits, running a hand through his hair
  * “But then, I guess a good seat partner can make all the difference, huh?” 
  * MJ can tell that the smile he offers is supposed to get a reaction out of her, but this doesn’t feel like any crush she’s had in the past 
  * It’s not particularly wild or unsettling; in fact, MJ mostly feels a calm, collected sort of hesitation as she looks at him, considering him in her thoughts
  * He’s not her first choice, that’s for sure, and he never really has been; Brad is a bit too… much, sometimes, and he’s a little bit too perfect
  * He’s nice enough, though, so MJ decides that she’s not going to be a complete jerk
  * “Yeah, I guess so,” she agrees, allowing her posture to relax slightly as she buckles her seatbelt, letting out a breath
  * Giving someone new a shot couldn’t hurt, right? 
  * It’s not a bad decision to keep her options open
  * That’s why, when Brad offers to share his headphone jack with her, MJ says yes, and then they launch into a long stretch of comedy movies that effectively drowns out MJ’s confusion for a little while
  * That all changes, though, when MJ has to get up after her third plane-provided ginger ale
  * Because as the locked bathroom door opens, she finds herself face-to-face with Peter Parker
  * And before she even has a chance to make some stupid quip, Peter has slammed the door in her face
  * MJ blinks several times, staring at the door with her brain moving a mile a minute
  * And, through the flurry of feelings, one finally manages to surface as the dominant one: frustration
  * Some of it is with Peter, sure
  * Why does he have to be so confusing, all the time? Why does he have to make her heart skip a million beats a minute whenever she catches him looking her way, and why does he have to be the way he is? 
  * He’s made her past few months even more confusing than they needed to be in the wake of _literally coming back from the dead,_ and MJ has had enough of the second guessing and the constant overthinking that he’s caused her
  * But more than that, she’s frustrated with herself
  * Because if all of this is because he knows she likes him, then she’s the one making _him_ uncomfortable with unwanted advances, and that’s, like, breaking half the rules of feminism right 
  * And, more than anything, she’s the one who can’t seem to pull herself out of her own head
  * So, after using the bathroom at the front of the plane instead of the one in the back, MJ resolves herself that when Brad returns from his own bathroom trip, she’s going to focus on what’s ahead of her instead of what’s behind
  * Or, in this case, what’s sitting right next to her
  * For the rest of the plane ride, this does not turn out to be the worst decision she’s made
  * Sure, Brad is a bit vanilla for her liking, but then MJ doesn’t really have anything against some good vanilla bean ice cream
  * He’s playful, and he’s kind enough, and sure she could get her suitcase down by herself (and kind of wants to, since she’s got the books inside stacked in a very specific formation and he might disrupt it), but there’s no harm in it, and it’s the thought that counts
  * Right? 
  * Over the next couple days after they arrive in Venice, MJ allows herself to spend a little more time with Brad
  * It’s harmless, she reasons, and it’s trying to explore things a little bit
  * After all, she’s had this crush on Peter since her freshman year, and then another six years if you count the time she spent dead
  * So it’s healthy, she decides, to experiment a little bit, test how she feels with Peter Parker out of the equation
  * Or at least as far out of the equation as he can be
  * Because, even though MJ is talking more with Brad and letting him make her laugh, she still catches herself looking at Peter every so often out of instinct
  * And, when she does, it always makes her heart race a little bit to find him looking back at her 
  * This, she decides, is all the more reason to figure out who she is on her own
  * Sure, she’s talking to Brad, and when he makes the suggestion of maybe hanging out a little bit on their own after they get back, she doesn’t exactly say no
  * But what she doesn’t admit to Brad is that none of this is really about him, or even Peter Parker
  * MJ is making the decision to remove herself, a little bit, from the situation that has kept her on her toes for months now, and she’s doing it for her
  * Still, the more she tries to focus on the present, the more observant of Peter Parker MJ finds herself
  * As they spend their time in Venice, she can’t help but notice him ducking off at a lot of strange moments
  * Sure, she knows about his little arachnoid problem, but even at home he isn’t normally this busy with it
  * So why on earth would it be a problem in Europe, where there’s no neighborhood for him to protect? 
  * But it’s not just spider stuff
  * Because MJ, for the first time since she’s decided to step back from everything, finds herself having a playful conversation with Peter while they walk around, and something about it seems too _easy_
  * He’s quick, and he keeps up with her thought process in a way that would take loads of explaining to Brad, and more than anything, he doesn’t try to fit her into any boxes or labels
  * It’s definitely some added confusion, so MJ finds herself grateful for the distraction when their tour is upgraded and they are tossed onto a bus the next morning
  * At least, until she finds out that her seat has been chosen for her
  * MJ has just finished putting her things away when she finds Brad sitting across the aisle, gesturing vehemently to her
  * And, though MJ knows it should feel good, something about it is a little draining
  * MJ takes the seat next to him, answering his cheerful, “What’s up?” with a noncommittal shrug
  * As soon as she takes her phone out to glance at the time, he does the same
  * “So, what do you wanna do for the ride?” Brad asks
  * The question makes it sound like they’re in it together, and suddenly MJ is slightly more self-conscious of her plans to dissect a few more books on the journey
  * “Uh, I mean, I was gonna try to get through this,” she admits, gesturing down at her book 
  * Is that the first time she’s ever pretended to be anything but enthusiastic about reading? 
  * “Oh, nice!” Brad responds, offering a little grin
  * MJ is relieved that the conversation seems to be over, but then he’s talking again
  * “So, what’s it about?” 
  * “Um, a series of killings in some woods back in the US.” 
  * “Oh, cool! So who did it?” 
  * “That’s the thing. No one’s really sure.” 
  * “Oh. So are you trying to figure it out?” 
  * “I mean, I have some thoughts. But I kind of like the open ending.” 
  * “Wait, so you don’t wanna know who did it?” 
  * “I wouldn’t be opposed to it. I just like the ambiguity of it.” 
  * “But, I mean, someone did do it.” 
  * “Well, yeah.” 
  * “So is it really ambiguous if there is a definitive answer?” 
  * “It is unless someone figures it out, which isn’t likely.” 
  * “Oh.” 
  * He does seem to quiet down after this so that she can get to reading her book, and Brad settles into fiddling on his phone
  * MJ gets in a bit of good reading time, then, and at their stop in Austria stop she even manages to go to use the restroom without Brad offering to accompany her
  * As they get back to the train, though, a change seems to have come over him, and it’s not a good one
  * As soon as MJ slides into the seat next to him, Brad settles into a silence and begins to rifle through his phone
  * It’s the kind of silence meant to demand attention, however, complete with furtive glances in her direction; MJ does not plan on making any attempts to get information out of him, though-- it’s not her style
  * Instead, she finds herself noticing a commotion with Peter
  * Flash seems to be harassing him over a pair of sunglasses, and between glances MJ watches as Peter literally punches Flash, evidently on accident
  * MJ finds herself hiding a smirk in response to that, but she can’t seem to fully surrender to the mirth while Peter looks so panicked
  * In fact, she knows something is up when Peter desperately focuses on getting ahold of the glasses while getting in trouble with Mr. Harrington
  * Something is wrong, and, as MJ looks at Peter Parker, she realizes that he’s different than Brad
  * With Brad, she knows what’s going on in his mind, for the most part
  * He’s a very open person, which is healthy, she supposes, but it also takes out any interest MJ might have in trying to figure out how his brain works
  * Peter is the opposite
  * Because, even though it’s business that doesn’t involve her, MJ wants to understand what’s going on in his mind, and more than anything she wants to help 
  * After the ruckus has settled down, MJ has a lot to think about 
  * It doesn’t help that, from her side, Brad insists that he has some information on Peter that she needs to know, then goes searching through his phone again for it
  * “I promise, it’s here, I just need to look in a few more folders-” 
  * He comes up blank, but Brad insists to MJ that Peter isn’t who she thinks he is
  * It takes all of MJ’s self-restraint not to say, _“No shit,”_ but she manages to keep quiet as Brad searches for whatever dirt he has on Peter
  * It is then, on the bus to Prague, that MJ knows two things for certain 
  * #1: Jealousy is not a good color on Brad Davis
  * And #2: Maybe the risks and complications involved with Peter Parker are worth the while
  * They arrive at the hotel in Prague that night, and MJ finds herself surrounded by an incredible amount of history and luxury, and with her own room nonetheless
  * They have a few hours to themselves, so MJ takes advantage of them and uses the time to take her time unpacking, to have a warm shower, and to wrap her mind around the events of the last few days, all while ignoring the numerous texts of Brad Davis
  * By the time she is done processing it, MJ is certain: the constant moving around on the trip has something to do with whatever has Peter running all over Europe in spandex
  * And, now that she’s had some time to think about it all, MJ knows that she wants to understand it
  * She tries not to think about her feelings for Peter; they’re complicated, and they’re extra work, and they’re risky enough to send her stomach jumping
  * So, for now, it’s better to just focus on the changing schedule: she wants to know what is happening, and why, and MJ is going to figure it out
  * She is fully prepared for this by the time that the group meets in the lobby after changing for the festival, and MJ knows exactly what it means when Mr. Harrington informs them that they’ve been given tickets at the opera
  * Though the rest of the group grumbles over being inside on one of the year’s most beautiful nights, MJ holds tight to the new nugget of knowledge she’s just received: 
  * Whatever has been going on? 
  * The next part of the saga is going down _tonight_
  * MJ tries to focus on this, but it’s a bit difficult as they all walk through the crowd to the opera house
  * Especially because, as MJ looks at Peter, she finds him staring at her with a stupid, dopey expression that sends her heart fluttering
  * As her eyes meet his on the way into the building, MJ’s chest hammers like a tom-tom, and that’s when a thought she’s been repressing for some time finally crosses her mind for the first time
  * _Maybe, just maybe, it’s worth giving this a chance._
  * “You look really pretty.” 
  * His stupid voice breaks MJ away from her thoughts as they enter the theatre, and she pauses as she turns to face him 
  * Though MJ manages to keep her face straight, she is pretty sure that a written transcript of the thoughts in her head would look something like: “?!?!?!??!” 
  * She was expecting the same sort of thing that had been going on for the past month: some glances, weird, little smiles, maybe even a conversation about the stupidity of the plot
  * But this? 
  * This serves as an encouragement of the feelings that have been brewing in MJ’s chest for literal years, and it’s exactly the surreal sort of moment that makes her question whether or not she’s dreaming
  * MJ knows that, though her mind is racing, she needs to keep her cool
  * “Therefore I have value?” 
  * MJ arches an eyebrow as the question leaves her lips, scanning the face of the slightly shorter boy opposite her
  * He’s done his best to smooth those soft, brown curls that she likes so much, and his earnest eyes are completely focused on her 
  * They widen into a shocked expression that sends another twinge of panicked admiration through her chest, and MJ struggles to repress her amusement as he attempts to recover
  * “No, no,” he stammers, voice rising in pitch, “that’s not what I meant at all, I was just-” 
  * MJ can’t keep back a grin then, and for once, she doesn’t try to hide her smile as she replies, “I’m messing with you.” 
  * His eyes widen, and the relieved smile that slowly takes over his face is an expression that MJ decides she is going to commit to memory as she adds, “Thank you.” 
  * He stays silent for a moment, though, and MJ knows what she wants to say
  * Actually saying it, though, is going to take a bit more courage
  * So, after steeling herself, MJ cocks her head slightly to the side and murmurs, “You look pretty, too.” 
  * The moment might have stretched on longer, but Ned and Betty begin to fawn over the opera glasses from a short distance away, and Peter and MJ both turn to look 
  * As they look over the glasses, MJ finds a persistent thought dancing in her head, and as she glances back at Peter she knows what she wants
  * “Want to go in on a pair?” 
  * The suggestion leaves her lips before she gives herself a chance to pull it back, and MJ hates how nervous it sounds
  * Luckily, she can find some consolation in the fact that Peter looks just as nervous as she does when he looks back at her, but she can see the pleasure the suggestion brings him as well
  * He looks to the seats, then back at her, and the little smile that grows on Peter’s lips is enough to cause MJ to hold her breath
  * “You mean, uh, sit next to each other?” he confirms, and the stupid grin on Peter Parker’s frog mouth is making it _far_ too difficult to think 
  * “Yeah,” MJ replies, the word coming out in a constricted voice as she fights to stay composed through the awkwardness
  * For a minute, Peter stares back at her, and MJ can’t help but think that the strange sort of awe in his eyes should _not_ be allowed in public because it is far too disconcerting
  * Before she can get too caught up in the thought, though, Peter says something she was not anticipating
  * “No?” 
  * MJ knows her face is falling, and she quickly retreats back into herself
  * Right, right
  * This was a bad idea, and she was pushing it a little too far anyway, she tells herself, so it’s cool
  * She just needs to get through this conversation and then she can go regret it in her mind in silence
  * “Okay… No,” MJ repeats, taking a step back as she averts her gaze
  * “No, you don’t wanna sit next to me, or… No, you just don’t want the glasses?” 
  * She doesn’t know why she bothers confirming it, but she does know that the widening of Peter’s eyes does not seem to fit the situation, so she allows herself a glimmer of hope
  * Peter fumbles with something in his ear, and MJ tries not to get too optimistic about the situation as she realizes maybe, just maybe this has something to do with his bugsuit issues
  * “No, I-I didn’t mean that,” Peter confirms quickly, and MJ feels herself relaxing slightly
  * “I, uh… If you go ahead, I’ll go grab us a pair.” 
  * MJ tries to keep her smile from spreading, but it’s a bit difficult, so she offers him a quick nod as she breathes, “Okay,” in a tone that is a bit too relieved
  * MJ keeps her cool as she walks down the aisle, moving to settle in next to Ned and Betty
  * The couple is busy fawning over one another, and MJ is glad that they are caught up in their own little world as she fixes her eyes on the closed curtain
  * It gives her time to process what just happened… 
  * Because _she just asked Peter Parker to sit by her, and he just said yes_
  * After several minutes, though Peter hasn’t returned, and MJ finds herself wrestling with the same confusing thoughts that followed her around in Queens 
  * Maybe, she tells herself, she made him uncomfortable by asking him to sit with her, and maybe he wasn’t sure how to react
  * But this time, as she thinks about it, something is different
  * Because, as MJ replays his reaction in her head, she knows that the hope in his eyes when she suggested it was not the response he would have had if he felt badly for her 
  * It’s what he would have done if he felt the same
  * A few minutes later, Ned turns to her after a brief time spent on his phone, and she can practically see the gears turning in Peter’s best friend’s head as he starts talking
  * “Look, uh, that was Peter, on the phone,” Ned says, gesturing to his device, “and he’s not… He’s not feeling well.” 
  * “Really?” MJ presses, raising an eyebrow
  * Her confident persona, now that Peter is gone, has returned, and she fixes Ned with a piercing look as she presses, “He was fine a minute ago.” 
  * “Yeah, uh, he came down with a really bad case of…” 
  * Ned trails off for a moment, glancing at her as if to see whether or not she’s paying attention; MJ fixes him with a sweet smile to let him know he’s not getting off the hook that easily 
  * “...Uh, the runs?” Ned finishes, and the poor excuse sends MJ’s heart soaring
  * Because, as both MJ and Ned know, Peter Parker is absolutely fine, and MJ was right: whatever is going on with Spider-Man, tonight is the culmination 
  * For a moment, MJ just rides that dopamine, letting it settle in: 
  * _She was right._
  * She’s been right for a long, long time
  * As the curtain rises and the lights fall, Ned manages to figure out what he’s saying, though
  * “But he wanted me to let you know he’s sorry, and, uh, he was really looking forward to spending time with you.” 
  * That part, MJ knows now, isn’t a lie
  * The show is beginning, and as she glances over to her side, she finds Brad moving to sit next to her 
  * “You deserve better than that,” he tells her in a ferocious whisper, and MJ studies him for a moment with a sharp, unrelenting gaze
  * She can tell, by the way Brad is looking at her, that he thinks he’s some sort of hero
  * He’s swooping in to save the damsel, determined to defend MJ’s pride and to “make it up to her,” healing all of the collective wounds he sees as being caused by Peter
  * But, as MJ looks at him, she knows now what’s wrong with Brad Davis: he’s been missing the point
  * Because, even if Peter _had_ intentionally toyed with her feelings, it wouldn’t be Brad’s job to fix her
  * MJ doesn’t need fixing, and she doesn’t need anyone going through the work of making her understood 
  * MJ doesn’t need anything
  * But she _wants_ acceptance, to be seen for who she is and respected for it, and that’s not something that Brad can give her
  * So, after a moment of beholding the boy sitting next to her, MJ stands up from her seat and slips into the aisle, walking up the stairs and out of the theatre
  * She can feel Brad’s eyes on her back, as well as the gazes of some of her classmates, but MJ can’t bring herself to care
  * Because this is about so much more than some school trip
  * This is MJ choosing Peter Parker, and not because of his feelings, but because of her own 
  * This is MJ going into the night, in pursuit of what she wants 
  * This? 
  * This is MJ making an informed decision.




End file.
